Five Skills I Acquired That I Thought Would Come In Handier Than They Have

1. Knowing the different types of beer and a large variety of international beer brands. My dad used to own a liquor store back in DR, and I learned a thing or two about him… or three. But don’t get me wrong, I drink alcohol on occasion AND responsibly. But that doesn’t mean I don’t know what Double Bock and Spatën are. I have rarely used this knowledge… most people that I know just stick to the watery and tasteless Miller Lite.

2. Knowing all of Soda Stereo song lyrics. Back when I was a kid, living in DR and during my summer vacations, I had a lot of time on my hands. I don't know why I carefully studied these lyrics (remember, this is pre-Internet). Well, I take that back. I do know… I loved Soda Stereo so bad that I hoped one day I could see them live. My passion for live concerts started at a very, very early age… in fact, I’ve been working since very young. Here’s a picture of me at my office, calculating the wind load resistance for a very complicated curtain wall system.

But before getting that awesome job calculating curtain walls, I took a series of odd jobs (truck driver, mechanic, hair stylist, boxer and catching crab in dangerous Alaskan waters), but none of them stuck. Broke and saddened, I went back to my roots: jumping in the pool, getting a tan, good old Cracker Jack and beer.

Here’s a picture of my cousin Chris, my cousin Katherine (yeah, the one with the mullet), and myself. It was taken in July of 1990, when we were four, eight and eleven respectively. Later that night, Kat beat up a cop because she thought he stole her lipstick and her ‘My Little Pony’.

Anyhow, going back to the story, I was never able to use this knowledge because a few years later, Soda Stereo disappeared and I never got to see their concerts.

3. The ability to open champagne bottles without whimpering like a little girl. I haven’t had the chance to show this trait to anyone.

4. CPR. Why in the world is there a certification for this? I don't understand. It’s so damn easy! (that is if is done to a young, tall, handsome man. Sorry if you don’t meet these requirements… It’ll be extremely difficult). If my heart stops beating, I'm not going to say: “Ugh! I’m dying! CPR please! Can I see your credentials?” Also, the tele led me to believe that people dropping dead in public spaces were a common thing… especially handsome men. I feel almost sad about that.

5. Numbers multiplied by 11. I don't know the universal forces behind it, but I have rarely had to multiply something by 11. I guess 13 would have been a more useful number.